chitaqwua

Someone once told me about this thing called a chitaqwua. Its a journey this indian used to send its children on when they were to become adults. It is in some sorts a test to see if they are ready. I feel God is sending me out on my chitaqwua this summer. I know this summer is going to be amazing and full of grand adventures. I will make memories that will last a life time. Yet, I know I will be tested and tempted. I know that at times I will feel alone but I also know God will be lighting my way and guiding my way.  I can’t help but be a little scared… I don’t know if I am quite ready. But I know that through God all things are possible. He is my strength, my life, the air I breathe. With him nothing can bring me down.

“At the cross you becon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I am.. lost for words so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, Holy surrender.”

Hayley Jane.

the sound of my beating heart remind me of who you are.

Someone once told me that it is when we feel the least tempted by the devil that is when the devil has us right where he wants us. He tricks us into thinking that we are right where we want to be so we stop fighting and go on with our lives.  We get put in this mind sewhere everything is jsut so easy.  We don’t have to stand up for what we believe in nor stick up for a fellow brother or sister in christ.

Where are we without our brothers and sisters in christ? What do we have to keep us in check. We all think that we know it all and its all good. Sometimes we need someone to remind us that we are servants of God and althought its hard we should give our lives tohim.

WE build these walls and boundaries. So afraid to be who God is calling us to be. I am guilty of it, we all are. We like to stay in the safe zone.   A part of me believes that the “safe zone” is one of the most dangerous places to ever let ourselves fall into.  We need to be shook every once in a while. Relive those first few moments as a christian. The surge of love we felt, the passionthat pulsed through our veins. Shaking us to the core. In those moments when we give him our all are the most amazing moments.

When I am fulfilling  Gods will I am so alive. I get restless and  I feel every beat of my heart with such great intensity. I get this look in my eye almost a wild and crazy look.  But I can’t do it alone. I have proven to myself over and over that I can not do this alone. I need backup. I need Gods army to keep me in check.

Sorry this blog was kind’ve all over the place. I just kinda wrote what came to my mind :/

I need your grace, to remind me of my own.

I’m not really sure what to do, how to act, or even what to think.   I see a persn hurting and I automatically feel the need to fix it or help them in some way. Yet this time I’m not sure what to do because the person I see hurting and needing help has hurt me.  When I reached out to them when everyone else believed the lies they put out they shut me down. Ignoring my offers to work with them and get them in a better place. As a christian I feel I must fight in Gods name and help this person but another part of me is saying “you did what you could, theres no point in trying anymore”. Its hard for me to just walk away. I can’t agree with the person they have become but it is hard for me to accept that this is who they are. The passionate person in me is screaming to stand up and fight. But I have learned that sometimes no matter what you do some people just wont listen. We are constantly let down, constantly ignored, constantly forgotten. I guess I just don’t know what to do now.  Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t so nice.

trust..

Sometimes its hard to know what to do…  Sometimes its hard to make the right decision. Today I had to make a decision and it may very well have changed a friendship forever. I can’t say that I regret it. I thought I knew the person and their limits. I had believed them when they said they didn’t do that stuff anymore. So often I hold my tongue and don’t say things because I fear that they wont like it. Today I could do nothing but put my foot down.  In all honesty I should have done it a long time ago.  My heart aches at the thought that I have lost a friend. I am constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t keep making excuses for people though. I think its good to see the good in people and to be forgiving but we can’t just sugar coat things. I am a big fan of sugar coating. Maybe I need to be tougher… I don;t know.  My head throbs and my eyes burn from crying. God is telling me I did the right thing though. Its just a little scary.

Taking a deep breath, taking a stand, taking my place

In my Films class we are watching a movie called Into the Wild. Its not the first time I’ve seen this movie but its been awhile. Watching the character go on crazy adventures and doing the things that makes his heart beat and just living in the moment. I could help but feel inspired. I have been many times called a dreamer, and idealist, someone who lives outside the normal rutine. Somewhere along the way I started believing the lies that my dreams would never become my realities. I was born to live a different life, I feel it in my bones. I used to laugh when someone told me it would be impossible. Seems lately I just agree with them and through it out the window. If we all through our dreams and crazy ideals out the window than where would be today? More and more each day I feel my heart coming back to life. The more I trust my life in Gods hands the more I feel my veins pulse with passion and love. The old feeling of needing to do better and be better are coming back. I don’t want to settle for a normal life. My life belongs to the broken, the weak and the starving. I can no longer live my life looking the other way. But oh how much simpler it is to take the easy way out. Play it safe, don’t take any chances, and live a normal average life.

You may call me crazy, insane even. Who knows maybe I am. But this is the person I truely believe God is calling me to be.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners. Isaiah 61:1″

Micheal Hosea

              Someone once told me I was going to be someones   Micheal Hosea… I’m begining to see that I’m the one who needs one.  Theres a book called Redeeming Love. It’s based off the book of Hosea in the Bible. It’s pretty much this guy named Micheal Hosea see’s this prostitute one day and God’s like thats her. She’s the one. Micheal can’t believe it. He thought God had someone more modest in mind for him. But God calls Micheal to make the girl, Angel, his wife. Thats just what Micheal Hosea does.  As much as Angel fights it Micheal helps her and Angel learns to love and live her life.  Micheal helps her find and stay on track in her walk with God.

        My friends say I’m born to be someones Micheal Hosea. I love helping people and getting them through problems. I have recently learned I am not meant to be someones Micheal Hosea I don’t think I’m in as desperate need as Angel was but I know that I need someone to keep me in line.  As strong as I like to pretend to be I really am weak.

    While I long to make the world a better place and to help my friends I know that I need back up.   I don’t quite know what called me to write this. It just kinda came to me… Seems like no matter what my past comes to haunt me. I can run as far as I want but it will always be there. In a way I guess its a good thing. It will remind me of what I could become if I lost site and fell out. 

     I prayed for back up. I prayed God would bring my a sister or brother in christ to help me through my struggles right now. He answered in the most amazing way.   Brittany I’m not just here for you, God sent you here for me too. Together we can do what ever God wants for us!

“I have not stopped giving God thanks for you. I always remember you in my prayers- Ephesians 1:16″

 

Once was blind but now I see (I know its cheesy)

           Its funny the way we can feel so lost one second and within a blink of an eye God shows you. Part of me believes its partially our faults. Sometimes we’re to afraid to see the truth or our heads are to self absorbed to take the time to listen. I decided to take a deep breath and step back. I stopped stressing I just said “Here God, this is whats going on. I know I’ve been clomplaining a lot about it to you. But I’m ready to step back and let you take control of the situation.” I immediately felt calm and at peace. It hasn’t been long at all since I gave it up to him but he’s already showed me so much. I understand so much better. Now the trick is to hold onto that and stay focused on Gods plan for me. Forget the plans I’ve made for myself. I’m sure his will be ten times better.

“What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving.” Mathew 6:32

What has become of me?

      Today I stepped into my past. I met with an old friend for coffee. I felt old feelings of passion come back and I began to realize how much I have changed. Some of these changes are amazing and others are not so good. I do not have the same crazy off the wall passion I used to have. The passion that made me do things others would say were impossible. I started thinking logically and in the box. I miss thinking and acting outside the box. I once believed that I would honestly do my part to change the world. Now I’m not so sure I will…  People used to call me crazy and look at me weird when I said I want to go to Africa and I want to fight for what I believe in no matter what the cost. Now I’m exactly what I used to fight to not become. I am a normal person who thinks logically and doesn’t fight or stand up for the things that make my heart beat. I miss living life like it would all end tomarrow. I miss feeling the passion boil up in my heart and pulse through my veins until I did something about it. I miss the crazy the weird looks.  I miss it because I think thats the person God intended for me to be. A person to tackle the impossible and make it possible. Screw the what people think or say this is me and this is what I need to do! People dieing and hurting what am I doing to help them?!?!?! NOTHING! What has become of me? I feel my heart being shocked back to life. Not that it was ever dead but parts of it were. I let myself twindle away, I let myself become afriad.  I believed the lie that I am just another person who will never change the world. I don’t want to change it to have glory. I want to help people see the potential they have. What great things they can accomplish if they tried.    I feel God reaching his hand out to me to pull me up and join the fight.  I pray to God I will not let him down.

Calling for Back up.

       How easy it is to put up the walls and pretend everythings okay. Why can’t we talk about whats really going on in our lives.  We’re screaming to be heard but to afriad to say it out loud.  I feel this is the case for a lot of us. 

       I am trying so hard to stay on track with my walk with God. I struggle so hard to just let him have my life. I keep trying to do it my way but I know that my way doesn’t work so why do I try? I am not proud of who I’ve been. I know that I can be better and I know that I have been better. Why is it so easy to fall? Its getting back up thats my problem.  This time I caught myself. I was so close to falling out again even though I’d only been back little over a month.

         At night I ly awake wondering how I could come up so short and how I can let God down.  I say I want to do his will but when he puts something there I get nervous and scared.  The only things that have changed is that now I go to church which is very good for me, I no longer drink or put myself in positions where I’ll be tempted to drink even if that means not going to family events (not that I really drank a lot before but I don’t want to do it at all!) But I still cuss and I still do not live my life completely for God. I pretend I can be one way while also being another. The truth is I CAN’T be both. God doesn’t want me to be warm he wants me to be on fire for him.  I’m calling for back up. I need to be held accountable. I need prayer. Mostly I need God.            

well thanks for reading yet another one of my tangents.

“Steep your life in the God-reality, God-intitiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met” Mathew 6:33

heart break

           It’s hard to explain the way I feel. I am very much aware of my heart pounding in my chest the blood running through my veins. Every so often I come across something that moves me, a song, a poem, a story, an image, or just the presence of a friend.  I am always in awe of people’s hearts. Most people do not put their heart out for everyone to read and see. To see someones heart you have to take the time to observe and listen. We put up fronts and masks to protect ourselves from being hurt. Yet, we are screaming inside to share our hearts with the world. We are longing to be heard. I am often suprised at how much a person changes the more I hang out with them, once they starting opening up their heart you see the little things that make them tick and the small moments that make them smile.

           I live to hear peoples hearts. I love seeing that look in their eyes when they finally tell ya like it is. It breaks my heart to see people trying to hide themselves behind someone they think they should be. I want to grab them and scream “You are beautiful and lovely! Why do you hide what God created you to be?”